I Just Admit It, Will The World End?

It's been months since my first/last post. I figured if I didn't confront the issues, didn't admit that I was unhappy, I would figure out a way around it. If I didn't talk about it, it wasn't real. If I didn't say, "I'm an emotionally abuse woman" that it didn't happen.I do, in fact, blame my husband for a lot of my unhappiness. He makes fun of me. He does whatever he wants and feels he is entitled to. He doesn't help me with the kids. He drinks, a lot and thinks it is normal to be shitfaced by 6 PM, asleep by 7. He can be such an amazing guy. I've made excuses after excuses for him. But the longer I stay in this pattern, the more fed up I am. I didn't have a great childhood. I felt left out of most everything, the permanent babysitter when in reality, I wasn't anything but a child. And then just ignored unless I just did something awful. I was and still am a selfish person. I'll admit it. I want attention, 24/7. I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful and funny. Oh wait.. I think every woman wants that. I don't want to be told how bad I am at something, immediately following a compliment. I don't want to be nervous every single day that my husband will be in a bad mood, which means the kids and I take the brunt of it. I don't want to deal with his racism, his self importance that he hasn't earned, his "I'm so much better than this shit, I'm just doing it to make YOU happy, it's all YOUR fault I'm unhappy" crap, ANYMORE. But yet, I stay. I stay b/c I don't want to break my children's hearts. I don't want to deal with his family and their snarky ass comments about how horrible I am to have broken their baby's hearts. I don't want to be a divorced woman. I don't want to have to tell my children why I left their daddy. I don't want to be without my children, ever. And if I divorce him, that means splitting up holidays and summers and weekends. And that breaks my heart more than dealing with his crap. So I stay. And I'm miserable. And I'm making him miserable.
I daydream of being done with all the awful things and being with someone who loves me for who I am and appreciates how hard I work for my children. I don't want to be seen as the weak woman who just lets her husband push her around. I just want to be loved.

A First Time For Everything

I am horrible at handwritten journals, I will have to admit. But every day, a thought comes to mind and I am saddened when, hours later, I don't remember what the heck it was I was thinking about. I like to sing and write music, a thing most people don't know about me anymore. I seem to have lost myself in this thing I call a marriage. I love my husband, don't get me wrong. I just feel so lost in being a mother and wife, that I really don't know what it is I used to love to do or who I ever really was. So. I wonder if.... I wrote a song and recorded it, would everyone laugh at me? If I have the courage to put my heart and soul out there, even if it is just on this blog that no one will probably ever really find. If there is a way to overcome being miserable about what I have done in the past and what I must do in the future.

I wonder if... I am capable of finally being really honest with myself on so many different levels and sharing all of it with you. And I wonder if I will find out things that I'll hate about myself. And some I really love.